Overview
Sex and pleasure are fun, and are often a big part of figuring out who you are and what you like. This is even more true for those of us who have accepted and embraced our broader identities later in life!
With the philosophy of trying lots of new things, having casual hookups can be a great way to have lots of new experiences and try new things without a big commitment.
This isn’t about assuming danger — it’s about giving yourself enough support to relax and enjoy the experience.
The original impetus for this post was this question from a friend on Discord:
Quote
I’ve got a potential hookup on Saturday with a guy and possibly his wife too!
Y’all got any advice on staying safe as I don’t do hookups regularly?
About emotional safety
Emotional safety is out of scope for this particular guide, but it is an important topic to consider. There are differences in a casual hookup experience that one needs to be aware of so as to not take things personally, e.g., getting ghosted and no-shows.
Guiding Principles
P1. Orgasms favor a prepared mind
With no apologies to Louis Pasteur for the rip off. :D
My philosophy on this (stuff like prepping clothes + bags and similar practices) is to do a reasonable amount of prep in advance such that it gives my future self the maximum amount of optionality and choice.
This is a subtle but important distinction.
I’m not explicitly planning out the encounter. I’m not setting a hard time where if I am not on the road my friends are calling the cops. I’m not saying “these clothes must go back in this bag before we fuck.”
Just … thinking through (and then reflecting on, after, and revising and expanding) some of the most likely questions or circumstances, and identifying possible options or answers in advance so that I can just choose and keep going.
General Recommendations
1. Inform trusted contacts + share location + have plans for check-in + be transparent about it
You already noted the baseline practice to “inform people of where you’ll be.” I’d expand that to say that to include:
- 1a. Share my location with a trusted party.
- 1b. Give a “no later than” time that you’ll check in with said trusted party. Even if it is just “hey still having fun”
- 1c. Casually mention in conversation to the person you’re meeting that you’re doing this, either in advance or when initially meeting.
2. Directly discuss consent, communication, boundaries, and expectations
When meeting initially, in addition to “get to know you” type convo you may have, discuss consent, communication, and boundaries. Directly and explicitly.
IMPORTANT
💬 Discuss consent, communication, and boundaries. Directly and explicitly.
This was one that was really hard for me at first, it felt uncomfortable and awkward. Now it feels really uncomfortable and awkward NOT to have the discussion. And this is one conversation I will have outside of intimate contact.
It is not AS critical to be completely thorough or completely pre-intimate for just fun sex (but still not something to skip entirely) as it is for more kink-type play, but I basically took some of the kink practices and use them always now.
3. Remember that you are never committed to do anything more or stay any longer than you want.
That includes getting there, getting the instant ick, and turning around and leaving.
Don’t let anyone else’s decisions or actions circumvent your own self trust.
Also, don’t forget, you just went on FetLife last night and already have a hookup. There WILL be more, no matter how horny you are in this moment, there will be more opportunities.
4. Trust your gut.
This is a little tricksy early on because disambiguating between “this is new and I don’t know if I’ll like it” vs “this feels like a risky situation that I don’t want to be in” can be very similar. Like consent, I consider my gut something I keep checking in on repeatedly. If it is a little unsure, it may not mean “bail immediately” but it does mean I proceed more slowly. Remembering 3. is important to go along with this.
5. Their reactions to your reasonable requests are informative
Through all of these 1-4, not only trust your gut, but gauge their reactions.
E.g., if you want to have a consent + boundaries convo and they are annoyed, that’s a flag for sure. Or if they do and then immediately push those boundaries, that’s a concern.
The flip-side is also true. When someone has calm curiosity or gladly pauses down to communicate clearly, ooh, that gets me excited.
Consent + communication is hot 🔥
6. HAVE FUN!!!
The point of thinking about these things is not so that you stress about them and crank up your anxieties! It is about just the opposite. It is so that you can have trust in yourself and preparation to relax and have fun and enjoy the experience
7. Get some!!!!
Nuf said. :D
Platform + circumstance specific recommendations
FetLife
A1. FetLife gives you insights
FetLife is a social network. Take a few mins to go look through their profile, look at their followings and followers. Look at their posts if they have any.
One of the times I didn’t trust my gut and had a not-great experience, the person I was hooking up with had some clear warning signs on some posts they made on their FetLife profile. I was new still to FetLife so I didn’t really weigh it the way I would on any other social media site.
If they are posting shit that is fucking weird or wild or just … out of band from anything you could fathom posting to a (sex-positive) social media site, well, it might just be them giving you advance warning to just say No.
Other misc recommendations
This will likely expand over time into it’s own page, but for now just capturing this here
Travel
B1. Cover clothes for travel are great!
I should add some notes about “safe” travel cover clothes, too.
tl;dr yes, sweats over skirt is awesome.
I prefer to do that so I can feel like I can travel safely, not have any like back-of-mind stress like, what if I get a flat tire? Or pulled over late coming home? Or whatever.
I personally then have like 2-3 separate bags to make it easy to keep things separate. E.g., I’ll have a canvas bag that are my cover clothes. On the way there it may have nothing in it except street shoes (assuming I’m wearing my boots already, I tend to prefer boots so I can wear them, vs say strappy sandals, which would be harder to be discrete about!). Then when I’m there I know all of my cover clothes go back in that bag, which minimizes the transition-out time. :)
Closing
None of this is about doing hookups ‘right.’ It’s about giving yourself enough support, information, and flexibility to enjoy them safely and on your terms.